Peer Support in Action

PROLEGOMENON TO THE FOUR ARTICLES BY KATHY NOLL, ON BULLYING

The four articles below ('Empowering Children to Deal with Bullies and Low Self-esteem', 'Child Violence: How to Prevent Your Child from Becoming a Statistic', 'Advice for Parents and Teachers' and 'Bully Advice for Children') were all authored by Kathy Noll reflecting on bullying in the USA. The versions presented here have been abridged, and the language modified for a British readership. It is important to note that aspects of what is said will not be as applicable to bullying outside the USA. The reader is left to determine what they find illuminating and helpful. Nonetheless, it is anticipated that the articles will be educational for all our readers. We hope that you enjoy them. To view the original versions, please visit Kathy Noll's web-site (full of useful information and advice on bullying).

EMPOWERING CHILDREN TO DEAL WITH BULLIES AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM (KATHY NOLL)

Dr. Jay Carter and myself (Kathy Noll) have written a book (Taking the Bully by the Horns), and run a web site, that helps parents, teachers, and children learn the skills they need to deal with bullies and low self-esteem. On this journey, we have encountered many sad stories that are all too real.

One that really stands out in my mind, and heart, is in the form of a letter written by a woman in Illinois. She starts out by thanking me for writing my book and wishing she had had it for her son, Ricky, 5 years earlier. Ricky was tormented every day at school by his 'bullies'. He was an asthmatic, and continually his classmates would take his inhaler medication from him to spray on themselves and in the air, essentially wasting it. This went on until one cold day in December 1994 that has left his mother devastated. Ricky was found dead at school. He died of an asthma attack. His inhaler found empty.

This is only one of many depressing stories. We have all had bad experiences to some degree that seem to be too close to home. But what can we do?

Try confronting the bully and telling them how they are making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many situations ignoring has the best results. If the bully no longer gets a reaction out of you, he/she will usually move on. It is no longer any fun. But what about the bully who is very abusive or violent? Make sure the school knows what is going on, and if they are unwilling to get involved, you need to contact the bully's parents. This type of bully should be avoided at all costs. Travelling to school in a group, and staying away from empty buildings are other wise options.

I am sure you will all agree that both the victims and bullies need help and support. Teach them that their actions have consequences. Instil in them the Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem; focus on the problem; attack the problem, not the person; listen with an open mind; treat a person's feelings with respect; and, finally, take responsibility for your actions.

CHILD VIOLENCE: HOW TO PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A STATISTIC (KATHY NOLL)

What can parents do to prevent their children from getting bullied? Tell your children to walk or play with friends, not alone, and to avoid alleys and empty buildings, especially after dark. Make a list with the child as to where they are allowed to go, and places/phone numbers where they can get help. Know your child's friends and make sure that everyone understands your view of teasing and violence. Maintain a trusting, open communication with your child while teaching them to be both strong and kind.

If your child is a victim, they need to know that they are okay, and not the one with the problem. Have them tell their school guidance counsellor the name of the bully who is victimising them. Or you might try talking to the principal or their teachers directly. And if you know the parents of the bully, you might try confronting them as well. However, there is a good chance they will either be in denial, or be as unconcerned as their child is.

If physical abuse is the problem, and you are afraid of angering the bully (revenge), tell the teacher, or whomever, not to pass on your or your child's name while settling the situation unless it is absolutely necessary. There is a good chance they are victimising other children as well, and will not need to know exactly who busted them. Children who use violence to resolve conflicts grow up to be adults who use violence to resolve conflicts. However, if a child is backed up against a wall, or into a corner, then they obviously need to defend themselves and should not stand there while getting pounded. They could walk or run away. But in order to escape conflict in the first place, the child should ignore, or avoid the bully.

Teach your child to only fight back if he/she 'needs' to defend his/herself, as a last resort. Young people need to believe in themselves in order to feel better (self-esteem). Not by winning a fight or even being part of a fight that he/she did not initiate. In order to be a strong person, you have to learn what to say at the right time, and believe in what you are saying (e.g. "I won't fight you because it is wrong" or "This isn't what friendship is about"). Walking away from the fight, knowing you are the 'better' person, is a lot healthier for the body and mind.

If verbal abuse is the problem, your child could try confronting the bully him/herself. Get them alone. Bullies like to show off by embarrassing you in front of a group of people. They might not be so tough without a crowd. Tell your child to be firm, stick up for him/herself, and tell the bully, "I don't like what you're doing to me, and I want you to stop." If the child is old enough to reason, have them tell the bully how it feels to be bullied. Do not stress what the bully did, or the accusations might make them defensive. Then they would be less likely to listen. If they are willing to listen at all, they might be willing to change. However, if they are unwilling to listen and start getting nasty, your child is better off staying away from them, or ignoring them. But if their verbal abuse turns into threats, notify someone in authority.

Sometimes having things/property stolen victimises a child. Putting your child's name on everything is an important thing to do. This means each and every crayon! It also helps to not allow him/her to take things of any major importance or value to school. Again, if nothing else works, have the bully reported.

ADVICE FOR PARENTS AND TEACHERS (KATHY NOLL)

What can you do to help your child?

You 'know' there is a problem. The first step is to get your child to admit there is a problem. He/she may be too embarrassed or scared, and might deny it. They need to know they can trust you and look to you for help (encourage them). First give them this option: They might want to settle the situation themselves before getting you involved (you calling the school or bully's parents). You might try giving them some ideas. For example: If your child is getting bullied because of poor social skills (e.g. his shoes are always untied, he walks with his head down, shoulders slouched, avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose), you can help him/her by teaching them better social skills. You also might try a type of role-playing to see how your child acts around other children. This gives you the opportunity to help your child work out acceptable responses (especially if he/she is being bullied verbally).

Should the school contact the bully's parents?

The school should first try to settle the matter since it occurred on their grounds while the children were their responsibility. But, unfortunately there are some schools who do not want to get involved outside of teaching the children. Many parents have written to me about school's/administrators who simply disregarded their bully incidents. Many parents are now seeking legal action. On the other side, there are teachers/schools who contact the parents to address the problem, but the parents are in denial that their child could ever be a 'bully'. They do not believe it, and point a finger at the teacher accusing him/her of picking on their child. Everyone needs to work together on solving these problems.

What can schools do to help stop bullies and violence?

It is all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer Mediation); Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's); Teacher to Teacher (in service days); Parent to Child (at home). There should be town meetings involving the parents, students, and entire school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give their ideas on how they would like situations handled. For younger students, role playing of 'victims' and 'bullies' in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect (how it feels). Another idea for younger children getting picked on could be to have an older student assigned as a type of mentor that they could talk to, and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions. It is comforting to know you are not alone, and friendships can be made there.

Many schools admit that the lockers are the most common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes. The schools can also pass out questionnaires, and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what is happening and what they would like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there is no conflict in the school. This promotes a pride in the school, and teaches them that even one person's actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are using posters, and having the students wear certain colours on certain days.

Teachers are also using, Taking the Bully by the Horns for role playing in the classrooms. Since I believe in my book, and the help it has been giving children, I suggest reading it aloud to the group. The book is written in first person, so you will be addressing them, and speaking directly to them. This way, you can teach them the skills they need to handle bullies and feel good about themselves (self-esteem/life skills). I ask questions in the book, and you can pause to get their opinions. I also added a bit of humour so it will be enjoyable for them, and they will learn something. Then, you could try some role playing, where they take turns acting out situations where they play both bullies and victims. This will show them how it 'feels' and give them ideas on what to do to help themselves and others.

Our local schools participated in Berks County's Annual Week Without Violence. One program included, 'Hands Around Violence'. Students made paper cutouts of their handprints and wrote non-violent messages on them. For example, "I will not use my hands or words for hurting". The 'Pledge Hands' will serve as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference.

Other activities included a 'white out', where students wore as much white as possible to symbolise peace; a unity day, where students wore their school colours; and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed that card over to the first person to smile at them. Another great idea schools are using is to have teachers hold up pictures of children's faces, while asking the students, "How does this person feel?" This promotes a discussion aimed at helping children to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion and ideas for resolution. Let children know it is okay to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen, and eager to help. Also, if your children/students are 'bystanders' to their friends, or other children being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these children by reporting it. If they are afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully. The anonymous tip was only suggested for those victims who feared revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their 'snitching'. Yes, in many cases the name of the victim would have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a 'nameless' child might try to talk their way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a particular incident with a specific child, and if there was proof, or witnesses, it is harder to deny.

A lot of parents have been asking what to do about 'bus bullies'

Bullies do not always have a reason for who they pick on or why, but when they 'do' have a reason, it usually results in them singling out a smaller person. This would include children who are not as tall, and most definitely would include younger children, who obviously would be smaller. This makes you easier to control. And today there are a lot of cases of older children picking on younger children on the school buses. In those cases, I recommend sitting far away from the bully. If the seats are assigned, ask to have them changed. If they are not assigned, ask to have them assigned. If that does not work, inform the school and ask the bus driver to get involved. Some bus drivers are asked by the school to intervene. They do this by having the trouble children sit up front where they can keep a good eye on them in the mirror. However, the bus driver has a job to do which requires the safety of many lives, so if the bullying gets so bad that he/she has to keep turning around or shouting at children all the time, the perpetrators should be suspended from the bus for the safety of all.

BULLY ADVICE FOR CHILDREN (KATHY NOLL)

Bullies can make you feel:

Sad
	Depressed
		Angry
			Vengeful
				Scared
					Confused

How a bully becomes a bully:

• They are angry;
• Someone might have bullied them in the past;
• They have low self-esteem. They think that controlling you will help them feel better about themselves;
• Their parent-figures might have lacked in supervision. They might have been too busy to teach him/her how wrong it is to hurt others. Or maybe they spoiled them, making them think they can do anything they want, including bullying!

What to do about bullies:

• Inform your parents and teachers;
• Travel to school and social events in groups. Do not walk alone. Avoid the bully at all costs;
• Ignore them. That will take away the power they 'think' they have over you. They will get bored, and go and look for someone else to pick on;
• Confront them with the problem. Do this only if the bullying is mental, not physical. Maybe you can explain how it makes you feel. If they do not care, and continue to bully you, report and avoid them;
• Take a safety training workshop. This should only be used as a last resort (in self-defence). Using this to show off for your friends, or simply because someone made you angry, could lead to lawsuits, and you becoming a bully!

I hope this information helps you. Take care of yourselves and stay safe.

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Last Update: August 2, 2004